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    Thursday
    Sep252008

    WHO I AM

            My real name used to be John. I gave myself the nickname Clint my first day at Villanova, and legally changed it to "Clint" last year. I live in Boston, Massachusetts. I used to live in a very affluent neighborhood, on the water, overlooking Buzzard’s Bay in North Falmouth. I painted my house bright purple because I liked the color. My neighbors didn’t. They stopped talking to me.  
            I’m a Fitness Fanatic who years ago conducted open heart surgery on himself. I spent lots of time working on my body and my mind. My heart got precious little air time. Until June of 2008. That's when my heart exploded.
            A woman that I didn’t even know I was in love with broke up with me. That changed my life. It isn’t that my heart is on my sleeve. I don’t have a sleeve. In fact, I don’t even have a shirt (watch my videos). This metamorphosis from a man who lived from his head to a man who lives from his heart is the impetus for this website. It’s the impetus for my entire life going forward. But before I go forward, let’s go back.  
            My childhood looked great from the outside, but it wasn’t much fun for me. Yeah, we had a nice house, plenty of money, and no convicted criminals in my immediate family. Notice I said “convicted”. But I was an anxious, sad, unhappy, fat kid. I’m glad that part of my life is over.
            The last year of high school, I hit the weights pretty hard. I came out of my shell. So much so that my psychology teacher thought that I was high on something. I was. I was high on myself. Girls started digging me, and for the first time in my life, I felt attractive. Went to three proms that year but didn’t get laid. I’ve made up for it since.
            I was a very wild dude in college. But beneath that wild behavior was the same sad, angry, fearful kid. I often felt like two different people living in the same body. Lots of internal conflict. My wild dude made my scared kid even more scared. My scared kid made my wild dude even wilder.    
            I took this split personality into graduate school, and received my M.B.A. from Boston College. Since then, I’ve worked in film production, played drums in hundreds of shows with lots of rock bands, and even done a few tours. Now I’m a personal trainer, multi-media creator, and landlord. Buy low. Don’t sell. Refinance. Repeat. That’s my real estate advice.  
            Somewhere along this journey, I unconsciously built a wall around me.  As I got older, it became thicker, and it developed a mind of it’s own. I was less able to choose how much I kept in. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel. I did feel. Very much. Very deeply. But the feelings just didn’t make it out of me. They got stuck inside, jammed between my heart and my head. More precisely, they lodged themselves in the middle of my chest. In my lungs. That’s probably why I developed allergic induced asthma in my twenties.  
            Despite the wall I built around myself, everyone described me as “out there”. And I was. I spoke my mind. I strutted like a peacock, spreading my feathers. I blinded people with how colorful I was. I had more fun than a barrel of monkeys, and more often than not, I was the barrel of monkeys. But I was still hiding. I was hiding my heart. That was especially true in my relationships with women. Always keep something back. Just in case.     
            My Dark Ages were October 6, 2006 to June 12, 2008. My dad died in October of 2006. Three weeks later, my girlfriend of four years and I called it quits.  Over the next few months, my relationship with my twin brother fell apart. We played in a band together for years, and in June of 2007, the band broke up because of tensions between us. That July, I moved out of my beautiful purple waterfront house that I had called home for six years. I loved my dad, my girlfriend, my twin brother, my band, my home. And it all went bye-bye. In nine short months. I totally shut down.
            Through a combination of emotional lock up, depression, and some self-medicating, I got good at not feeling too much of anything - except anger. 
            Then, in August of 2007, I met a woman who changed my life.
             I fell in love with her right away, but I didn’t know it. I wouldn’t let myself know it. I couldn’t bear the possibility of the chance of the thought of another loss. No Fuckin’ Way. Losing anybody, or anything, else, at that point would have put me right over the edge. Or right over a bridge; the Bourne Bridge, which spans the Cape Cod Canal, most likely (do those suicide bars along the side really work?).
            In May of 2008, she broke up with me. I was totally pissed at her for a while, because by now I was a seasoned professional at being, and staying, angry.
            I saw her exactly three weeks later. I expected to feel nothing. But the very moment I looked at her, my closed down - shut down - locked down - no money down - heart - opened up. My life changed. Right then. Right there. I haven’t been the same since. Thank god.    
            My father’s death and the loss of a love jolted me into realizing that I had been living my life from the wrong place. My head. I was thinking my way through life. Now I’m feeling my way through it.
             We all wonder what our calling is. I believe I’ve finally found a piece of mine. One of the things I’ve been called to do is to share my heart. Actually, I’ve been aware of this calling my whole life. The phone’s been ringing for some time. I’ve finally chosen to answer it.
             A series of life changing events lead me to my heart. I've since discovered that at the Center of My Heart lies my greatest gift: My True Self. All of it. The gift of Unique Self is within each of us. All I’m doing is tapping into my One Of a Kind Essence and trying to live it, every moment of my life. It really isn’t that hard. It’s actually a lot easier than hiding.

            So here I am. I’m Real. I’m Naked. I’m Free. And it’s about time.    

    © 2017 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and Wrongs) Reserved

     

     

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    Please go to the page Life Change and tell me about something that changed your life. Or visit my Blog - What's Inside Me