People & Powers. Guides & Ghosts. Sages & Spirits.
Thursday, October 9, 2008 at 9:55PM Once I launched this website, and it became “real”, my mind shifted into overdrive and ran right over my heart. Now I’m back in my head more than I have been in months. I don’t like it. It’s like a bad neighborhood, my mind. I shouldn’t go there alone. And I should get in and out as quick as I can.
When I drop out of my heart, I drop out of faith. I tumble into anxiety, pain, and worry. Then I fall some more. Into self judgement. Self criticism. If I don’t break my fall, I hit the bottom of the pit. Hard. Self Hate. I look up and see how far I’ve fallen, and I can’t see any light at the top. It’s all dark. The walls of the pit are as smooth as glass, so I can’t crawl out. It’s pitch black, and I’m alone with my thoughts.
This is where I traditionally get and stay stuck. Can’t crawl out, can’t see out, and I’m mind fucking everything to death. I know that place well. You probably do too. Keeping it all inside is the default solution. Which is actually no solution.
If I ask for help, though, I don’t have to go through this alone. If I ask for faith, then I’m asking for a way out. So now, that’s what I do.
I talk to people about where I’m at. Get some support. Choose the people who get me, who know me, who love me. But discussing this isn’t easy.
Talking to people about how I feel deep down can be excruciating. Especially for a man. Even one, like myself, who has experienced a great opening. There’s a stigma attached to a guy sharing too much of what’s inside of him. In fact, there’s a stigma attached to a guy having too much inside of him. As if the the volume and the depth of a man’s feelings are inversely proportionate to his masculinity. I know that’s bullshit, but the river of that belief runs long and deep. Those waters carry a great deal of force. And they run right through that bad neighborhood. My mind.
If I push through that, then I talk about how I feel. I write about how I feel. And now, as you know, I blog about how I feel. A few months ago, I never would have considered being that vulnerable. Even to those close to me. Never mind anybody on earth with access to the web. But doing all of that is what helps me move through the darkness and into the light. It’s what helps me deal and heal. It opens me up to the support that’s out there. I’m not accustomed to doing this. I’m used to more or less flying solo. Now it’s more like the Blue Angels. And it’s so much better.
At the same time, I ask for faith. And I get it.
Then something amazing happens. I start to levitate out from the bottom of the pit. I’m not climbing out. I’m floating to the top. But I’m not providing the lift.
It’s not a completely passive process though. Because I have to keep talking to people. I have to keep writing. I have to stay open. I have to actively cultivate the faith I’m asking for. I have to believe. All of which, for me at least, takes effort. So even though I’m not performing the miracle of levitation, I’m actively doing things to get better. To get out of the hole.
Light starts to stream in from above, and it’s not so dark anymore. Sometimes I float all the way to the top and into the wide open spaces. When I’m in my heart, that’s where I get to. That’s where I hang. But sometimes I don’t make it all the way up. Because sometimes, at some point up out of the pit, I step out of faith. Not completely. It’s like I flirt with it, but don’t commit to a relationship. And that just doesn’t work.
When that happens, I stop believing. I grab onto some crag on the side of the pit and try to muscle my way up the hole. It’s hard to do, and exhausting, and I usually don’t make it very far until I crap out and start falling again.
Since I launched this site, I’ve been floating and falling and muscling and falling and floating again. Sometimes all in the same day. Sometimes all in the same hour.
But those much wiser than myself tell me that this is normal. “It’s the same way with any new venture”, they tell me. So I listen. And I learn. And I work my way back into faith. And when I start to fall, like I know I will, I’m not alone. Not anymore. People and Powers. Guides and Ghosts. Sages and Spirits. They are all with me. I don’t have to do it all by myself. What a relief.
©2008 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and Wrongs) reserved
Change, Spirituality 
Reader Comments (4)
again, you captured some familiar feelings.
i find when i am living from my heart, i am giving off a lot of positive energy. People can sense it, its almost magnetic. I am happy. It shows, it shines like a light and reflects off the ppl I encounter. it infects them with positive energy. It bounces back to me, amplifying and reinforcing my joy. its self fufilling, living in the heart. I can see good in everyone, everything. Wow. Its so good to be alive, and spread the light and love.
Then, something triggers the thinking process. As my friend says: "there you go, thinking again.." and the seed of doubt kicks in. It gets all confusing. Being nonjudgemental, trusting the universe will provide, surrendering to the flow and feeling, not thinking is called unconditional love in my book. When I fail to provide myself, with all my perceived faults, insecurities and fears, that same unconditional love i find relatively easy to dole out to others, thats when I slide down the hole. And your hole sounds deeper and scarier than mine, but its still not a good place to be. There is no light reflecting back at me. I am alone, I am flawed, i am confused. And the rope that allows me to climb back out is accepting myself and all the things about me, and loving myself again unconditionally. All the things i "shoulda, woulda, coulda".. didnt do 'em? Oh well. Ill get to it. Im human. When I get back to loving and respecting myself, im back in the light, and the light is coming back at me. And its all good.
It's the light again. didnt we talk about this yesterday?
I know many people experience something similar to this. Your insightful comment is proof of that. Thanks asven.
Hi Clint,
My first reaction is WOW! Not easy to lay it all out there...thank you for sharing your experiences. I myself can relate to some of what you wrote. Similar thoughts and feelings are there. Your life through your eyes and mind and heart is articulated so well. Lots of passion and appreciation and living "in the now" comes through. I envy your "rebirth" as it were. I have just begun a journey myself, and hope to be in a better place some day. Talking about these things certainly does help, I know it helps me. Your willingness to share is inspiring to say the least...thank you.
Sincerely, Julie {Femmo's baby sistah ;) }
Jilie,
Thank you so much. Please consider sharing more of your story here. I would welcome you as a "guest blogger". Please keep coming back. I'm honored that you find what I write inspiring. Keep pushing. You will be in a better place.