Giovanni & Boy - Part 1

       Abraham Lincoln said “A House divided against itself can not stand.” I offer that a person divided against him or her self has no better chance than a house.
        I was once a much more splintered personality. A man in conflict with himself. I had no idea what I wanted, because I was fighting with myself to find the answers. Today, I’m far from whole, but I’m getting there.
        Nowhere was I more emotionally conflicted than in my relationships with women. One side of me adored women without limit. The other side was in mortal fear of them.
        I was petrified because women could, and had, hurt me worse than I ever dreamed possible. And my macho bullshit ego believed that it was absolutely, completely, no-questions-asked-please-take-your-suitcase-and-get-the-hell-out-of-here-unacceptable to admit to yourself, or anybody else, that a man could be afraid of a woman. So I simply denied it.
        On the other hand, I was very in touch with the part of me who loved women. I’ll call this part “Giovanni”. I loved this guy. So did women. But I wasn’t crazy about the other dude. In fact, I hated him. I’ll call him “Boy”. He was fearful and anxious. So I hid him. From myself and from everybody else.
        But this Boy was still inside of me. And he still had a job to do: protect my heart. He got good at that. He could pull me away just a little, or completely shut me down, or employ many other methods. To keep me safe.
        Only when I accepted him, listened to him, embraced him, and had compassion for him, like a father does for his troubled son, did Boy stop trying to protect me. Only then did my relationship with this Boy, who was petrified of women, change.
        I did that this past summer when my heart got ripped out of me. I faced this frightened little Boy when his worst nightmare came true. He came running to me, devastated, alone, sobbing uncontrollably, screaming in pain. That’s when my own heart melted for myself.
I could not hide him any longer. I could not deny him or negate him one more moment. He was hurting worse than I had ever imagined. He had to be seen and heard. So I watched. And I listened. I spent lots of time with him and I got to know him. I got to love him. And so I got to love myself too. Funny how that works.
        Ever since I can remember, this Boy who feared women was in a No Holds Barred Steel Cage Texas Death Match with the other part of me who absolutely loved women. Within my own being, it was perpetual emotional mayhem. Giovanni and Boy were constantly duking it out.
        The dichotomy between the two of them was of Jekyll and Hyde proportions. While Boy is deathly afraid of women, Giovanni finds them the most compelling, beautiful, alluring, fascinating, magnificent creatures on the planet. He can barely contain his enthusiasm when he’s with them.
        For instance, I love placing my face firmly into the neck of a woman and inhaling. Lettering her sweet, unique scent fill my entire body, I experience a broad spectrum of sensations and emotions. Soothing contentment. Burning animal desire. Helpless rapture. Passion. Weakness. Love. And that’s just from smelling her neck.
        Reconciling this, and countless other intense female induced experiences, with the part of me that had to protect myself, took up considerable space inside me.
        There was, in reality, no reconciliation. There was forced tolerance. Like a couple who stays together not out of love but out of necessity. Giovanni and Boy coexisted because they had to. They didn’t like each other. Or understand each other. But they lived in the same house. Me. And that house was divided. And that house could not stand. Not any longer. So I crawled. On my knees. Into a new house that could.

©2008 Clint Piatelli. All Rights, Wrongs, and Otherwise Omitted Deficiencies Reserved.

Comments

[Er-EEEEE-Kaaaaaa]

Wow. Really fascinating examination of the dichotomy. Really enjoyed reading this post and the people I know who seem to have similar issues and looking at my own split in myself between fear fascination with men and how the heart protector need for certainty and safety (and has little or no trust left at all from wounds in childhood/adulthood) who is in continual war with the part of me that loves attention and wants the connection and enjoys the adventure.

[Clint Piatelli]

Thank you Erika. I really enjoy your insights.

Clint