My Internal Beloved
Friday, November 21, 2008 at 9:49AM Having pulled my finger out of an emotional dam yesterday, and admitted on this website that I still love my ex-girlfriend, I’m now awash in very murky, turbulent water that randomly vacillates between bitter cold and boiling hot. It’s so uncomfortable and frightening, that I’m periodically reverting to an old standby to protect myself: numbness. One moment I’m crying. The next I’m angry. The next I’m joyful. The next I’m numb. I’m all over the fuckin’ place.
Let me tell you something about this blogging thing. It doesn’t matter how many people read yesterday’s post. It’s out there. The act of posting it was the symbolic removal of my finger from the levee. Unleashing that truth produced a movement and a direction, like a river cutting through a canyon. I initiated that flow, and at the same time have no idea where it’s taking me. I just know how I feel. I know my truth. That’s why I said it. What life gives me after that is out of my hands. And that’s scary.
Part of me doesn’t want anybody on earth to read what I wrote yesterday, because of the judgment I’ve attached to it. The voice of judgment comes from my inner Judge. And he’s a monster. A brutal monster.
He’s 400 feet tall and built like The Hulk. He breathes atomic fire like Godzilla, and has a PhD in psychology from Harvard Medical School. His IQ is so high that it can’t be measured by conventional methods, and he’s constantly pissed off. He doesn’t sleep, and I know this because some mornings, he’s on me a few seconds before I even open my eyes. His voice is loud enough to drown out the sound of all life. He can bludgeon me to pieces, or he can subtly undermine me with the skill and precision of a Machiavellian master. And he’s all over me today.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”, I hear the Judge say. “You weak, stupid, fool. No wonder you’re alone. Your feelings are WRONG. Never love anybody who doesn’t love you back. In fact, loving anybody at all is a mistake. You are a mistake. Your life is a mistake. All the working out or writing or attention or ANYTHING on earth will not change the fact that YOU ARE A LOSER. Do you hear me? Loser.” I told you he was brutal.
The Judge hasn’t been this angry in months. He’s been relatively fine as long as I’ve written around the truth of my still loving someone who doesn’t love me back. But I didn’t write around it yesterday. I simply wrote it. I wrote it again today. And he’s going nuts.
But I know something about the Judge that he doesn’t think I know. As much as he sounds like he hates me, I know he’s just trying to protect me. He honestly believes that assassinating my character actually helps me toughen up. He judges me because he believes that he’s helping me. We all know people like that. They’re called family.
So how do I deal with this inner maniac who’s convinced that he’s actually helping me by calling me a mistake?
I used to hate him right back. After all, it sounds like this jackass is trying to kill me. I have every right to defend myself and try to kill him. But I can’t kill him. Because he’s a part of me. So the more I hate him, the more I hate myself. The more I try to destroy him, the more I destroy my own life. I tried that. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t lead to happiness.
It’s actually easy for me to hate myself. I have lots of practice. What’s insanely difficult for me is to love myself. But that’s the only thing that’s going to save me. I know that. I can’t always do it. But I know it. Somewhere deep inside.
What if I take all of this love that I want to give to someone else and gave it to myself? What if I look at myself as My Beloved? My Internal Beloved.
If someone I loved came to me in tears, feeling that their life, that their very being, was a mistake, I would treat them vastly different than I’m treating myself today. I would give them all the love, support, and care that I had in me. I would dig as far into myself as I could go and offer them whatever they needed. I would hold their hand, or hug them into my body, and not let go. I would carry them, on my back or in my arms, until they could walk again. Why can’t I do that for myself?
That’s my lesson here. One of them anyway. While it’s true that, since my heart opened up, I’ve experienced periods of self-love on levels previously unknown to me, it’s obvious I have a long way to go. All that I want to give to her, she does not want from me. Sounds like a great opportunity to give it to myself. I don’t always know how. In fact, there are times when I don’t have a clue. But I can learn. As my father used to love to say, “When you’re through learning, you’re through.” Right on dad.
©2008 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and a judgmental amount of Wrongs) Reserved.
Change, Love, Principessa, Relationships, Shame 
Reader Comments (21)
Hi Clint.
Well KEEP writing because it is allowing you expression, lovely expression. The demon you speak of is known in psychology as the GATE KEEPER. Or in Lazaris material as the NEGATIVE EGO. And yes, he does want to kill us. We all have one to some extent. However take heart, and I know you are doing that very well right now, the fact he is on such a monstrous attack is a good sign you are VERY close to another breakthrough and he is trying to derail that. I have also had a tough week and you were on my mind so if I didn't call you I intended to. A lot of people are shifting right now and it is friggin scary. As to the alleged emotional rollercoaster (see above post) my therapist Norma Canner, very famous expressive therapist, used to say "Emotions should be like the weather. Don't ever get stuck in one emotion. Healthy emotions wash over or by us and then we enter another one." So the telling admission of your feelings right now is actually showing just how open your heart is. It's ok to protect it as need be (hey the world can be vicious let's be honest). I think you are the cusp of a really huge breakthrough which is why you are feeling so intense at the moment. But I see it as a new doorway to step through and yea it's friggin scary because you are out of your element here (or so it seems). But on the right track and it will take a bit of courage a bit of fake it til ya make it, a bit of tightrope walking over the abyss, and telling your inner angry self "uh huh yea ok, thanks for sharing. gotta go now. Buhbye." Because having the courage to do what you have done this year takes guts and I admire that and how open you are being in the world stage of the internet. Hang in there ,dude. Erika
Most of Clint's blog entries (and this site itself) bears a strong similarity to the SNL Adam Sandler skit where Adam Sandler buys air time on a local cable network to talk about his ex and "win her back."
Eventually his ex is informed of his efforts by friends and calls in to the show horrified and upset.
... and obviously, this was Adam Sandler character's intent from the beginning.
Oddly similar.
Brenda,
Thanx for your comment. I've never seen the Adam Sandler skit, or been aware of it's existence until you mentioned it. Great idea, though.
There is a kernel (not an entire ear, mind you) of truth in what you said. Have I envisioned the scenario you describe? Plenty of times. Would her return be one of the happiest moments of my life? Fuck yeah. I hope you'll really look around, however, and be open to the possibility that there's a whole lot more to my website than a veiled attempt to win back an ex-girlfriend.
Yes, I've read all entries and you do certainly do mix it up a bit.
I thoroughly enjoy the voice you've created. It seems to run from the playful to the sincere. And the photography is wonderful!
Not many people have the guts to write as you do. Your approach is bold and honest. That being said, I would recommend caution regarding explanations of events and behavior that stray into the world of the supernatural, superstitious and mysticism. I only mention this because your writings flirt with the concept of "letting go" of reason and trusting in spiritual forces.
Brenda,
Once again, thank you for your comments, and your compliments. Please come back and keep reading. I enjoy the feedback and the opportunity to respond.
Brenda,
I wanted to make a post directly related to your comment about "letting go of reason and trusting in spiritual forces". I'm not sure to what exactly you're referring to in my writing, but I will tell you that spirituality is very important to me. I don't abandon reason, but I sure know that it can't explain, or even describe, everything. I believe in the words of others before me who say that we are not human beings having spiritual experiences. We are spiritual beings having human experiences. Logic and reason give important and vital dimensions to my life, but they certainly don't provide the juice for it. How I feel does. And that is from my heart, which is connected to something much vaster than just myself.
Well Clint is trying to express the wide RANGE of feelings, thoughts, situations that he finds himself in and day by day he reveals his personal journey and we are allowed to peer in. As his readers we allow him to continue to explore his dizzying highs, mundane mediums, and deep abyss' as he finds he needs to. As to flirting with metaphysical reasons behind things comment I would respond thus:
The universe is a vast and wondrous place. He is trying to find his way in a vast untamed wilderness, which as we both agree takes courage. It is very human for all of us to look at what happens and try to make associations to make sense of it all. I think as women we really cannot appreciate how much he has changed by allowing himself to feel and listen to the universe since most men are taught to shut down and deny their feelings, stay in control at all times, and deny their spiritual nature (except as they are TOLD how to act or believe). So as he opens himself up he is also opening himself up to FEEL what is out there and his letting go and trusting expression shows what a sacrifice he is making to give up pure reason and intellect (traditional male spheres of living) for a more mulitdimensional experience as a whole human being. Bravo. Encore.
Clint,
My concern is when people explain events or observations to be "spiritual" when (in actuality) the cause is just simply not known to the observer. Like seeing a light in the sky and leaping to the conclusion that it's an alien spacecraft that's traveled light-years to be here instead of considering more natural and reasonable options.
Claiming something as being of a spiritual force or having been caused supernaturally actually explains nothing about that event. Until the "spiritual" force can be defined, it's not appropriate to claim that it caused anything.
Not that you have done this, but it's not appropriate to claim what it is, how it works or anything else about any unknown force. A better explanation would be to say that the event's cause is not presently understood or that perhaps random events may have created this event. To leap to a supernatural explanation for any event or feeling explains nothing as you still haven't stated what the supernatural or spiritual mechanism is or what it does.
Let's say you have a great day and return home to find a voicemail from Principessa asking to get back together. You might clammer to thank some deity or supernatural being for your fantastic fortune... or perhaps your hard work, honesty and self exploration did the job. One scenario requires spirits, deities, paranormal clockwork and supernatural intervention. The other works without introducing superstition and ghosts. This is the logical application of Occam's Razor which states that when two possibilities are considered for likelihood, the correct one is the one that introduces the fewest unknowns.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occam%27s_razor
I agree that men are told to act a certain way and I can certainly respect Erica's plea for trusting in the spiritual, but I ask if trusting in any undefined, unknown and yet to be seen thing is wise. Giving up on reason and intellect is a sacrifice for sure. Please let me know what the universe says when you listen to it.
Brenda,
Once again, thank you for your comment. I want to take a little time to craft a response. Maybe I'll even do a blog on it. Until then, I'll just say that I don't look at it as an either/or situation. If, using your example, my love came back to me, I would thank the universe AND know that I had something to do with it. I am a co-creator of my life. And when I listen to the universe, it tells me to, amongst other things, share my heart and be myself. Which is what I'm doing.
Erika,
Thank you. Again. You really get me. And you're a hot shit to boot!
Clint,
I don't mean to direct your blog, so please only write it you're inspired (as if I need to tell you that.)
I do understand you're "either or" sentiment.
As I've grown I've tried to remove conflicting concepts from my world view. I'm sure I still hold on to many. However, I (personally) don't think both the supernatural and evidence-based conclusions can be true simultaneously as they hold totally different mechanisms. Something to think about I guess.
Come to think of it... maybe this would make a good blog topic.
Thanks,
Brenda,
To use an "evidence based" platform, ponder this: Einstein's theory of relativity paints one picture of the universe. Quantum mechanics paints a VASTLY different one. Yet both are true. Both appear polarized, but they are not. Because the universe can hold both. So can you. You are obviously into personal growth, as am I, and you obviously still question spirituality. So from this space of one kindred soul to another I would encourage you to stay open to the possibility that the spiritual and the physical worlds are not mutually exclusive. Einstein himself said that "Imagination is more important than knowledge". Imagination is not based on evidence, as knowledge is, but on passion and inspiration and love. Please keep reading and commenting.
Clint,
Thanks, I will continue reading your blog. I really enjoy it. As I said before, you bring a fresh and honest voice to difficulty and personal challenge.
Yes, Einstein was actually (personally) skeptical of Quantum mechanics, but Quantum mechanics provides testable, reproducible and impossible to ignore evidence. Although Relativity provides the same, the two disciplines aren't mutually exclusive. Spirituality is a personal feeling and is without any testable hypothesis. As a matter of fact, spirituality offers no explanation of the mechanism... or nature of what it even is.
Both Relativity and Quantum mechanics make real-world predictions.
If something is invisible and can't be tested and offers no predictions, it's on VERY shaky grounds. I would go so far as to say that it doesn't exist.
There's a common misconception that demanding evidence equals close mindedness. I feel the opposite. I believe that not demanding evidence is closing your mind to knowledge and reason. Demanding evidence is simply a way to filter out the horse hockey and when new evidence does arrive, you're actually able to change your (supposedly closed) mind to reflect that new evidence.
Thanks,
Brenda
Wow. This thread is getting very interesting. It has become a battle between what can be proven as fact, scientifically, and what is felt, sensed and experienced in a spiritual manner, i.e. basing actions on how one feels as opposed to what one can prove.
And where did we start this discussion? With Clints description of his "inner judge". Someone we cannot see, or prove his (or her) existence. But don’t we all have that little voice in our head that nudges us when we are making a difficult decision? Brenda might think we are weighing facts or outcomes, but I propose we are listening to an inner dialogue, a spiritual dialogue weighing right and wrong, pro and con. A scientist cannot name that mediator who lives inside us. You might call it conscience, or morality, or it might appear to you as a cartoon angel and devil, sitting on opposite shoulders, talking in your ears, pushing you to make a decision on one side or the other... or as Erica/psychologists may name it, the Gate Keeper or Negative ego. None of these quantifiable, yet its difficult to deny they exist.
As a child of two educators, and a product of a culture that values science and fact, I can appreciate making decision based on solid evidence or documented personal or group experience. I do not believe that one can make every decision based on what can be proven to be the best choice. Maybe when you are buying a car, or running a business, or choosing what food to eat, but not in matters of the heart- which I believe to be the bulk of what this blog is about….I also feel that sometimes one needs to make a leap of faith, to take a step off the edge of the known and measured, without knowing the safety net is there, just because it feels right in your heart. I believe, I know, when you are strong enough to take the leap of faith, the universe will provide a net for you. Because if you are strong enough, centered enough, to follow your heart and surrender to what feels right, your strength will carry you through even what seems like the worst possible outcome. We must trust our feelings. Our heads just get in the way with what ifs and he said, he meant, he did, he didn’t… in the emotional realm, it’s what we feel that counts. Scary as it is, nobody else can help us with what we feel, or how we feel. It just is. Right or wrong, it’s a personal decision. And for Clint to put it out there for all to see… I think it is a measure of his growing strength, his commitment to be honest with himself and the world, and a remarkable effort by one man, mortally wounded in the battlefield of love, a victim of his own admittedly closed heart, to take this leap into the unknown, to find a new way to live because the old way wasn’t working anymore. To love and trust oneself enough to bare and share his deepest feelings, especially for an American man, is remarkable. I find it incredibly brave and appealing. Go Clint. Thank you for putting it out there. Your permutations have helped me a number of times to work through my own issues with a fresh perspective.. There is no measure of what you are accomplishing. The light within you, fueled by self discovery and self love, grows ever brighter, radiates outward and reflects on all of us, making us stronger and more light filled ourselves. Keep it coming…
I really like your post asven.
The point I'm attempting to make (in a ham-handed way) is that it's not appropriate to assign an explanation without understanding what you're explaining. In other words, giving an internal voice a "spiritual" causes and mechanisms while either ignoring or not understanding the MANY other possibilities for the internal voice is an incomplete and naive solution.
Our minds are the most complex thing in the known universe and the mind has evolved in a less than perfect environment. Our ancient ancestors had to contend with life or death choices almost hourly. This creates what I'll call an "internal narrative" that helps us think outside of our current situation. Without this ability, we would have the same fate of many non self-aware animals... a cold and ugly death by tiger or leopard.
An alternative explanation for this internal voice is that it's simply an evolved trait that was selected for over thousands of generations. I know that this explanation isn't sexy and it doesn't bring tears to the eyes, but it is one possibility that explains what we see without invoking gods or spirits.
A natural explanation trumps a supernatural explanation because it introduces no magic and the fewest unknowns. And often it can also be tested which the supernatural has (so far) recoiled from.
I see no harm in trying to understand these things, but it is dangerous to suppose explanations that ignore certain known possibilities that require no special forces and ghosts.
Thanks,
Brenda
Brenda,
Thanks for your reply. I find your viewpoint very interesting. I believe that there is really not right way or wrong way to make decisions. It’s a personal choice, which I respect. I completely accept your choice to move though life using a fact based decision making process. If it makes you comfortable and allows you to function fully, happily, effectively, it’s perfect for you. As a matter of fact, in my former life, I made all decisions based on facts, perceived, measured and learned outcomes, and accepted cultural parameters and roles. I prided myself on being able to look at all sides and outcomes and make an intelligent, neutral, and informed decision, without much emotional input. I think you would consider this either an evolved trait or an internal narrative for survival. Let me tell you briefly how and why I shifted gears a bit…
I was a good student and respectful child, went to college, met a nice man, had a family, and was happily married for many years. Then my husband and I woke up after our daughter had gone to college to find there was not much more than a friendship/partnership in our marriage. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. Almost without exception, friends and family were shocked to hear of our separation, because everything looked so picture perfect. I admit I was surprised too, but came to see that we were lacking a deep emotional commitment in our relationship… there was no “passion”. I had compromised on that piece of the relationship, allowing it to be less, because everything else was so nice and easy and comfortable. And I now am starting to believe that I had allowed that passionate, emotional part of my world to atrophy because I was so secure in allowing my life to be fact based and rational. We truly loved/love each other, but in the end it seemed an incomplete love without the “leap of faith” of loving someone (and yourself) unconditionally and trusting them with not just your security, comfort and life, but all of your heart. That piece was not in my framework of fact based thinking, because trusting facts require being judgmental of their value and provability, and unconditional love requires a suspension of judgement. In the end, doing what had seemed to be proven by theory and society to be right was not enough to fulfill all my/our needs. Frankly, we could have stayed in the relationship a lot longer, maybe forever, in total comfort, but numbness. I am now glad to have moved on to more emotionally based pastures. It feels richer in spirit and love, though far less secure, a tradeoff I am more than willing to accept.
So I ask you… where does love fit in your parameter? Is there such a thing as “madly in love?” “Head over heels in love?” What about hope? Faith? Unconditional love? Would I be correct in saying that the reason I would protect my daughter or husband would be to increase her or my chances for survival to reproduce, and not because I love them? I’m not trying to be a wise ass here. I really want to know how you fit these things into your world. Cuz I think I was living much as you are now and I couldn’t fit them,( other than loving my daughter so much it made me think I would burst…). And now, living more from the heart and less from the thinking mind, I have many moments of utter, overflowing joy that I never experienced before. I am more fulfilled, more alive, happier, and lighter than ever before. It seems easier to flow along, not thinking so much. And surprisingly, everything seems to work out as well, or usually even better than if I had labored over the decision making process by thinking it through. Although it can be really scary, it feels much more real, complete, and natural for me. Im not assigning these choices as beng made by Gods or spirits. THEY ARE MADE BY ME, BUT BASED ON INTUITIONS OR FEELINGS, RATHER THAN FACTS.
The beauty here is that we are allowed to coexist living in separate paradigms, each fulfilling for us as individuals. And when we can have a stimulating and intelligent discussion of these different views, while accepting each as an effective personal coping mechanism to the rigors and decisions of daily life, we are both richer for being aware there are other options should we choose to use them, and at the very least to frame an understanding of how others think. Thanks for the continuing dialogue. I respect your eloquence in framing your position. I look forward to your reply.
Asven, another great post!
Wow, I didn't realize that me writing sounded like that, but in rereading it I see your point. I have failed to represent my position well. Thanks for pointing out where I was falling down.
Emotion is a large (perhaps huge) part of my life. I have two great kids and love my spouse tremendously. I don't advocate checking emotion or feeling at the door at all. They are great tools in figuring out both what you want out of life and what is needed to get there. And let's face it, loving your family is about as good as it gets.
I don't make decisions based only on fact at all. I drive a Jeep Wrangler and that's hardly a "rational" or "fact-based" choice. I make emotional decisions all of the time. Some I'm happy with and others I wish I could do over again.
My comments to Clint and Erica were regarding the assumption of a spiritual realm (or cause) without considering any natural causes first. I trust you wouldn't accept a mechanic's diagnosis of demonic possession when your car fails to start. Demons may turn out to be the cause, but a quick check on the "likely scale" pretty much rules that out. Checking the battery for power is a far more likely place to start.
I argue that assigning an event to be of a spiritual cause (like gods looking out for us) is so far down on the "likely scale" that it shouldn't be hauled out as the first and most likely cause. Check the battery first.
I fully acknowledge that a spiritual realm may in fact be real and it may affect us in real ways, but we also must face certain facts and that is that this spiritual realm is without evidence and without any testable hypothesis. This should really be taken into consideration before assigning the cause of a friend's call or a good doctor's visit any spiritual cause.
It's far more likely that your friend called because he/she likes you and that your doctor's visit went well because you take care of yourself. However, if you treat your friends poorly and eat bacon all day then we may have a case of divine intervention.
Looking at claims critically is something we all should do more of. It keeps people honest and it keeps you sharp and critically minded. It doesn't turn you into Commander Data and it doesn't strip you of passion or emotion. It's just holding people accountable for their claims.
When I ask Clint to think twice before assigning a ray of sun through the clouds to a lost friend, I might sound like a wet blanket, but honestly, what is more likely?
My effort is to simply raise consciousness and look critically at what we're saying.
Thanks,
Brenda
brenda
I like the more playful side of you that is emerging!! Now i can see you bombing around , hair flying in the wind in your unlidded jeep, as well as envisioning you pondering the mysterious ways of the universe in a lab coat with a calculator! I believe your call to rational thought is sound, but maintain that critical thought, especially when applied to matters of the heart, is not always the best method to make decisions. "Critical" thinking, by its very definition, is judgemental and possibly self damning. To move through the complexities of emotion, love, faith, and hope requires a suspension of calculated thought at times. I maintain it is best to move in the these waters by feeling your way along, rather than thinking. Seeing with heart means taking a leap of faith- trusting yourself alone, and loving self and others unconditionally and nonjudgementally. The freedom, exhilaration and bliss this free fall bring, are in my book, worth the risk. I respect your opinion, but feel we must agree to disagree here. Acknowledging your right to re-post in this thread, i suggest we move on to new ground. Theres so much else to remark on in this blog... see you in another post, I hope!
Brenda,
I echo asven's sentiment regarding this thread. I have written much, and there is so much more inside me. I hope something I write resonates with you.
Clint, Erica & Asven,
Okay, I'll drop this. I'd just like to clarify that my reason & logic approach was never pointed at our decision making as much as it was pointed at our assumptions. My point all along as been an attempt to illustrate how we can look at something beautiful like a rainbow or a majestic tree and assume that it was placed there for us to see by a magical sky fairy or that it is a message from a yet-to-be-defined realm without even considering a natural explanation. I know that this isn't moving and it's hardly emotional, but it's realistic.
You've both made me think about this quite a bit, however I stick to my original concept that it's outside out knowledge to posit a spiritual cause when we've yet to know what we're positing.
As a far wiser person than myself put it; "The universe is wonderful enough place without making up crap about it."-Phil Plait
Thanks for letting me rant,
Brenda
Brenda,
I miss hearing from you. You're comments were so vervent and well written. Is there nothing else I've written that inspires you to comment on?
Clint